Top 100 Facts About Me
1. I do not believe that there are 50 states,only 2,because where ever I go becomes a State of Emergency and whenever I leave,I leave a State of Destruction
2. Crop circles are my way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the hell down.
3. I can eat a rubix cube and crap it out solved.
4. I was originally cast as the main character in 24,but was replaced by the producers when I managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds.
5. I does not sleep.I just wait.
6. I doesn't have to leap tall buildings in a single bound.Tall buildings duck under me.
7. I sleep once every 2 weeks,for half an hour,standing up,with my eyes open,and I look pissed off.
8. I doesn't have a computer.Just a basement full of Asian kids that memorize numbers.
9. If it looks like chicken,tastes like chicken,and feels like chicken but I say it's beef,then it's beef.
10. The world does revolve....and it revolves around me.
11. On my birthday,I randomly select one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.
12. I can speak braille.
13. I can slam revolving doors.
14. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects I could use to kill you,including the room itself.
15. Whenever I play Chutes and Ladders,I treat the chutes as ladders,because I'm not some sissy who can't climb up a plastic slide.
16. I once stated that I "doesn't wail on sissy boys." This led to the pink polo shirts with popped collars craze.Little do those pitiful fools know that I was just making it easier to find sissy boys to wail on.
17. When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for me.
18. I am allergic to doorknobs.That's why I can only kick through doors.
19. Giraffes were created when I uppercutted a horse.
20. I died ten years ago,but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell me.
21. When I give you the finger,I'm telling you how many seconds you have left to live.
22. I beat a wall at tennis.Yes.A WALL.
23. I'm always asking for the same Christmas gift: A box of Smurfs and a sledgehammer.
24. The movie Ray is loosely based on the life of me,only they substituted piano playing for eating toddlers and blindness for the ability to fly.
25. I can delete the Recycling Bin.
26. The United States Federal Reserve Bank decided that my basement was a much safer place for their gold than Fort Knox.
27. World champion eater Takeru Kobayashi once ate 53.5 hot dogs in 12 minutes.Allotted the same time,I ate Kobayashi.
28. I had beat the crap out of so many people over my brilliant life that most medical journals now classify me as a laxative.
29. If I want some shade,I just stare the sun down until it eclipses.
30. Me and Superman once fought each other on a bet.The loser had to start wearing their underwear on the outside of their pants.
31. I am the reason why Waldo is hiding.
32. I can predict the shuffle on my iPod.
33. My blood type is WD-40.
34. I'm is the only one who can "try this at home."
35. I invented the hammer when I was tired of using his forehead to slam nails into wood.
36. I counted to infinity - twice.
37. Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs.I can kill 100 percent of whatever the heck I want.
38. I played Russian Roulete with a fully loaded gun and won.
39. I became a vegetarian not because I love animals,but because I hate plants.
40. I am able to rip a phone book in half with just one hand.
41. You are what you eat.That is why my diet consists entirely of bricks,steel and the tears of small children.
42. The end result of the game "Clue" is always the same: I was the murderer,it was in the orphanage and the weapon was a hamster.
43. I own the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped me to win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite me holding just a Joker,a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card,a 2 of clubs,7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game Uno.
44. My calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools me.
45. I had a little lamb whose fleece was white as snow and anywhere I went the lamb was sure to go.So I killed it.
46. I know the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow (African *AND* European).
47. I destroyed the periodic table,saying me and only recognize the element of surprise.
48. Only once I ever cried.The only survivors were a bunch of animals and some dude named Noah.
49. The eternal conundrum "what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object" was finally solved when I punched myself in the face.
50. When I play any video game,God mode automatically turns on.
51. Getting murdered by me counts as a natural cause of death.
52. I put the "laughter" in "womanslaughter".
53. I am the only person in the world who can actually give 110%.
54. My best friend once visited the Virgin Islands.They are now The Islands.
55. I can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass.At night.
56. Weeping Willows are a result of me yelling at trees for not being tough enough.
57. On a high school math test,I put down "Violence" as every one of the answers.I got an A+ on the test because I solve all my problems with Violence.
58. If at first you don't succeed,you must not be like me.
59. My irons my shirts while I`m wearing them.
60. The grass is always greener on the other side,unless I had been there.In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.
61. I don't play "hide-and-seek." I play "hide-and-pray-I-don't-find-you."
62. The last man who made eye contact with me was Ray Charles.
63. If you haven't seen Alien vs. Predator yet,don't bother,I win.
64. When I enter a room,I don't turn the lights on,I turn the dark off.
65. A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people.It is actually in fact a warning,that the spot belongs to me and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
66. I was born with the right to party.Unlike the rest of us,who have to fight for it.
67. I can tie my shoes with my feet.
68. I was fired from the Psychic Friends Network for always predicting pain.
69. I can do a wheelie on a unicycle.
70. I do not know where you live,but I know where you will die.
71. The only time I was wrong was when I thought I had made a mistake.
72. I invented black.In fact,I invented the entire spectrum of visible light.Except pink.Tom Cruise invented pink.
73. What scientists thought was natural selection is actually only the continued survival of animals I had found too chewy to eat.
74. When I delete files from my computer,I don't send them to the Recycle Bin.I send them to hell.
75. Once a cobra bit my leg.After five days of excruciating pain,the cobra died.
76. I wear a cup not to protect myself, but to protect the players on the other team.
77. There are only four horsemen of the apocalypse,because I`m going to walk.
78. I can kill two stones with one bird.
79. When I go to donate blood,I declines the syringe and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.
80. I can watch a season of "24" in just three hours.
81. Superman owns a pair of my pajamas.
82. I was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin.The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly,waiting for the wheel to stop.
83. Circles exist because I beat the crap out of some squares.
84. I had the heart of a child.I keep it in a small box.
85. I once won a game of Connect Four in 3 moves.
86. The popular video game "Doom" is based loosely around the time Satan borrowed two bucks from me and forgot to pay back.
87. My dog is trained to pick up his own poop because I will not take crap from anyone.
88. If you play Led Zeppelin's "Stairway to Heaven" backwards,you will hear me laughing at you.
89. I do not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure.I go killing.
90. I can make a paraplegic run for his life.
91. I once got caught doing 100 in a 50 zone.The cop did give me a speeding ticket,however I still plead my innocence to this day,stating that I was simply out for a morning jog.
92. My family wraps my holiday presents in lead,so I can't see what's in them.
93. I sleeps with a night light.Not because I am afraid of the dark,but the dark is afraid of me.
94. I don't read books.I stare them down until I get the information I want.
95. There is no theory of evolution,just a list of creatures I allow to live.
96. Santa Claus actually *did* exist until he accidentally skipped my house one Christmas.
97. Onions do not make me cry.I make onions crap themselves.
98. I am currently suing NBC,claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for my left and right legs.
99. I used to beat the crap out of my shadow because it was following to close.It now stands a safe 30 feet behind me.
100. When I get pulled over I just let the cop off with a warning.
